Top tips from the Lady in the Red:
I thought it might be helpful to make a list of all the useful things I've learned since going bankrupt. Not just that being poor makes you feel ugly, no, not just that, I'm going to write a list of things I wish people had told me before I declared myself bankrupt. Of course, I actually wish someone had told me "Don't go bankrupt, I'm going to pay off all your debts and give you a lump sum to tide you over" but all I got instead was "Have you thought of going into a council house?" Talk about disappointed. Anyway, here it is... ta da!
1) Being poor really does make you feel ugly. It's true. Brace yourself. In the first few months after bankruptcy I felt like I had morphed into a new meaty-bodied, greasy-faced, grey-haired, bitten-nailed, black-under-eyed, chalky-pallored beast. I was told that I didn't look any different.
2) You'll probably get acne. Oh, I know! It's all good news, isn't it? The trouble is that you're likely to be a bit stressed on occasion, and you'll almost definitely have to attend a few rather unpleasant meetings so, just to boost your already flagging confidence, you'll break out in spots. You'll then pick them and they'll become scabs. You'll then look like you've got facial lesions. You won't be able to afford any decent foundation to cover them up so you'll have to use the stuff that turns orange on contact with the skin. Life's a little sod.
3) No one will give you any credit. I don't mean that people will stop saying things like "That Jane's a nice girl" or "Tom's good at DIY" but rather that no banks or lenders will let you borrow any money from them. For years. This is actually one of the best things that will ever happen to you. Granted, it's a bugger about the mortgage (or rather lack of) but you'll also be forced to be very disciplined and you'll find that actually, you aren't that arsed about that black slouch shoulder bag that looks like the one you've already got except for the nice buckle that really does add an extra something to your whole look. You'll also find that most things you've spent alot of money on before you won't even miss, for instance, Sky TV. Erm... that's it.
4) Get rid of Sky TV. You won't miss it.
5) Save, save, save! You know those savings stamps that your Nan used to get for her gas and electricity when you were little? Well start getting them. I never thought of saving with stamps, finding them ever so slightly sad in the pre-bankruptcy days to be honest, but now I love them! Tesco savings stamps (for your groceries), Post Office savings stamps (for utility bills) and also Boots points (I've bought MANY a birthday present with these bad boys), you'll be thankful you've saved them at a fiver a week or a tenner a month when that whopping bill comes through the door and you either can't pay it or can't afford your basic grocery shopping because you've had to pay it. Come on, don't be a numpty, save those stamps! You can always wear sunglasses and a hat when you're using the stamp machine at Tesco...
6) Along the same lines... save your change in jars and you'll be surprised how much it adds up after a few months. Those jars of fifty-pences have paid my phone bill twice this year. Don't knock it 'til you've tried it.
7) Cut your utility bills down. There's nothing worse than getting a whopper of a bill (that'll be anything over a fiver then) through the door. Don't sit and weep, my friends, get rid of the little buggers! You could swap your bills to the cheapest provider using someone like Uswitch, who compare prices on utilities, broadband and digital tv to give you the best deal - you just make your choice online and they do the switching for you - or you could implement the Ladies in the Red double-pronged approach and change your provider aswell as using post office savings stamps to pay your bills. Oooh, your Gran would be proud!
8) There are some things money can't buy, for everything else there's Mastercard. Visa and Mastercard are required methods of payment almost everywhere you go. Hotels, shops, bars and websites do not care that you can't get one of these little blighters for love nor money and you may well find yourself up the creek when trying to make reservations or paying over the phone or internet. Don't you worry though, go and get yourself a pre-paid Mastercard that allows you the convenience of a credit card without that pesky credit. You just put money onto it at the Post Office and away you go! It does cost you £26 to go and get one and then £4 a month afterwards for the privilege of having one in your wallet but it's still cheaper than the 25% APR the proper ones charge.
9) The Coop Cashminder Account is the best one for you. The Coop bank's more ethical than most and even if I was a millionaire now I wouldn't change. Other banks still give accounts to undischarged bankrupts but the Coop lets you have a Visa Electron card that can be used to withdraw cash in the vast majority of cash machines and most shops will take it as a debit card. That's far more useful than the other banks' offers of a cashcard that can only be used in your own bank's cash machines. Talk about kicking a girl when she's down. Nah, sod that. Vote Cooperative. Vote Visa Electron.
10) Go and sell all the crap you bought when you were solvent on Ebay (How do I Sell?). It's a quick way to raise some cash and your home will be satisfyingly decluttered afterwards. What a boon.
11) Get everyone to buy you useful Christmas presents instead of the usual Boots three for two gift sets that go 
straight into 'the present cupboard'. To illustrate, why not make a list of things you genuinely want but can't afford at the moment and then give it to people who you know are going to buy you presents? That's a fine idea! Your friends and relatives are probably going to spend a certain amount on you so you may aswell get something for a tenner that you need rather than something you don't. Alternatively you may well save more money by just agreeing that you aren't buying any presents this year and so no one should buy you any either. Joyeux Noel!
12) You're only bankrupt. You aren't living in Sierra Leone, or Iraq so don't feel like you're going through the most terrible experience in the world. You aren't. There are many positive things about going bankrupt and, although it's bound to be a horrible time for you initially, you need to focus on them so you can be better then ever when you get out of it. I know four millionaires who've been personally bankrupt through giving guarantees on their businesses and, post-bankruptcy, they're doing better than ever. They're also tight gits who should give me some of their money.
13) Feel smug and highly fashionable by reading about how you're trendiest young thing in town in the wave of books being published about the bankruptcy epidemic in the Western world. Yep, always one step ahead of the rest, that's me.
That's all I can think of at the moment -- but, by golly, wasn't there a lot of it! Right, I'll go and wash all the orange make-up off my facial scabs now... where's that Netto's own brand cleanser got to ...